Love and Hate Read online

  “You did what?” I said, raising my voice.

  “I am sorry. Now that I have heard your story and met you in person, I am ashamed of myself. That is why I am telling you now. I realize what I did was wrong. I was scared, and I hate Nazism. That is why I try to help Jews leave. I have never faced consequences until now. But I will make it right!”

  “Yes, and how do you intend on doing that now!” I shouted.

  I was pacing the floor. It was one thing if he didn’t want to help us but quite another to turn us in. I wanted to bash his face in. I was thinking about it when he spoke again, meekly.

  “I will make your papers. I will rush them and can have them done in a few hours.”

  Lilo had more sympathy and said, “What if they find out you helped us when they come?”

  He looked up at her. “Please don’t worry about me. I have a little money and have people that can hide me. I will be fine.”

  “Thank you for being honest,” Lilo said sincerely.

  I was quiet. I was angry, but he had no reason to be lying. Since he had called Erich, he had every reason to keep quiet about what he had done. We needed him, though, so I had to pretend to forgive him.

  I said, “Okay, well I am sorry for being upset. We appreciate your help. Now, you cannot make these papers here—they will come here soon. They could come at any moment. You must make them at your friend’s house...”

  I suddenly had a great fear in the pit of my stomach. What about Sister Claire? They would be going there soon to speak with her. What would they do to her? What would she say to them?

  “I need to go check on Sister Claire. She isn’t safe. Let me use your phone to call her first. You need to take Lilo and leave for your friend’s safe house. Give me the address, and I will meet you both there.”

  He nodded and pointed to the phone sitting on a corner table. I went over to it and immediately rang Sister Claire.

  It rang and rang. I let it ring for an entire minute, hung up and rang again. There was no answer at all.

  “I have to leave. How long will it take you to get your material and leave this place?”

  “Ten minutes.”

  “Okay, it is risky, but we have no choice. It is riskier to take Lilo with me. I will leave her with you. Write the address where you will be hiding, and I will meet you there.”

  I went up to his face, within an inch of it, and calmly assured Mr. Weber that if anything happened to Lilo, anything at all, he would not live to see another day. He nodded that he understood and rose to go get paper and pen to write the address down. When he came back into the room, he handed me a slightly crumpled sheet of paper. I left as quickly as I could.

  When I finally got back to the orphanage, after a long run, I walked up to the door and was disturbed by what I saw. The door was open. I unthinkingly ran into the house and shouted for Sister Claire.

  “Sister Claire!”

  But no answer came, and I saw no signs of anyone; the place was deserted. I went to her bedroom. There was no one there. There was no one in the kitchen, but I saw something there, a letter smeared with red. It was stuck in the kitchen table with the kitchen knife that I had used earlier. I picked up the knife and threw it to the ground, grabbed the letter, sticky with traces of blood, and read:

  Dear Brother,

  I have been looking for you. I know about your exploits in Regensburg, attacking the Gestapo agent. You may wonder why I am coming after you. Well, there has been a ghetto uprising, and I realized it was my fault it occurred. It is my punishment for letting you go. Your virus will spread. I realize that now. The Jews have overtaken the ghetto and are fighting us daily as we work to retake it. I shouldn’t have let you go. I need you to come home, back to the ghetto. I could come get you myself. However, I have no way to make it down there with the uprising. I know that you would get yourself killed if I had them take you in by force, so you will have to come of your own free will.

  You see, I have a plan to stop the uprising. I have a plan that cannot be executed until I have you back here. So I gave them this letter to leave you and instructions to take Sister Claire. I told them not to take her with you there. If you are reading this, I have Sister Claire—that is her blood on your hands right now, and it is very symbolic. I had them beat her a little. She is alive, not alive and well, but she is alive.

  I know that you want her to live, so I know you will come to save her. I also am keenly aware that you want the Jew girl to live at any cost, and well, so be it. She is not the sick one, she is just a rat and she will be found eventually, I am sure, even though I won’t be the one looking for her as she scurries about.

  Come and offer yourself as a sacrifice for Sister Claire, and she can return home. Remember that I always keep my word. I will let Sister Claire go. And, I will leave the Jew rat-girl alone, for others to find, if you come now. I am doing this for your good too, out of brotherly love. You are ill, and I believe that I now know how to heal you of your affliction. You have forty-eight hours.

  Love, Your Brother,

  Erich

  I tore the letter in two and crumpled it as I made a fist with my hands and screamed.

  I yelled, “Fuck! I will kill you, sick swine I will tear out your fucking throat, Erich. Can you hear me? Do you have your fucking spies here?”

  But the room was still. I threw the note on the ground and went to the sink. I had yelled out my aggression and was washing the blood off of my hands.

  I had to save Sister Claire. I needed first to go to the address that Weber had given me.

  Chapter 23

  I had to get Lilo out of Germany, and I had to save Sister Claire. I wanted to make a life with Lilo, but I had to make amends for what I had been a part of. I loved Sister Claire; she had been like a mother to me. My first loyalty was to my wife, but I started to believe that I could both save Sister Claire and get back to Switzerland—to Lilo. I didn’t know if this was my imagination or God speaking. I would have to put my faith in it. I had to have faith that things could turn out all right in the end.

  I arrived at the address provided by Weber and pulled the crumpled piece of paper out of my pocket to make sure it was right. I was staring at a church. I knew this church, St. Michaels, from my childhood. We had been taken to mass by Sister Margaret and Sister Claire here.

  I walked up to the front doors and made my way to the altar. There was no one there, and as I was wondering where they were, I got the feeling, the need, to pray. In front of the altar, not in a pew, I kneeled. I bowed my head, and I prayed that God would protect Lilo and Sister Claire. I prayed that Lilo would be safe until I returned. I asked God to bless me with safety so that I could reunite with Lilo, not for myself, but so I could make sure that she was safe for the rest of our lives. I looked up at the crucifix, displaying Christ in agony, his suffering on the cross. I thought about all the people suffering in the war.

  I thought about all this while looking at his porcelain face, and asked him aloud, “Why, why would you let this happen? Why would you let this happen to your people? The Jews? To Lilo?”

  There was no answer from the statue-god that started blankly ahead. I thought, He cannot hear me. He cannot hear me because he isn’t real. There is no God. No God would allow this war, with its destruction and death. With its misery and hate. I got up and realized that if something was to be done, I would have to do it. There was no one else that would do it for me—certainly not God. Because God, if he existed, was obviously not listening to my prayers and the prayers of those affected by the war—especially the Jewish people. His chosen people were the ones suffering, and if he did exist, what was to prevent my further suffering if they suffered so? No, I would go it alone, like I always had. If I cleaned the blood out of my soul, it would have to be me suturing the wound.

  I stood up and turned around, almost tripping over the woman behind me. She raised her bowed head to look me in the face while kneeling on the ground. It was Lilo. My sweet wife.

&nb
sp; “Lilo! How long have you been here? You are praying to the Christian God?”

  “You were just praying to him, weren’t you?” she asked.

  “He is the only God I know. You worship the Jewish God, right?”

  “They are one and the same, Yahweh.”

  “What about Jesus, Lilo?”

  “I don’t know, but I know that I am worshipping God in my way. The real God, the true God. The only God.”

  “I don’t know that I believe in him, Lilo. Why would he let all of this misery...”

  “He believes in you, Hans. He loves you too. Even if you don’t believe in him. I don’t know why there is all of this misery, but I know that he loves us. I heard you asking him why, but only he knows why he allows things. We must have faith. And love. I love you, husband. I love you more than myself. I have been praying for you. I have faith in you, and I believe in you.”

  “Thank you for praying for my safety, Lilo. I love you also.”

  I peered into her beautiful, brown eyes, full of hope.

  She said, “Dearest, I have not been praying for your safety.”

  “Then what have you been praying for?”

  “For you to have faith one day. I have been praying for your soul.”

  “Thank you, sweet Lilo. A soul to me is only a man’s character, not anything more or less. It is what he truly is—the core of him.”

  “I believe that, too, but I believe that the soul is the immortal part of a man too.”

  I wasn’t sure that I believed, but I believed in Lilo. I believed in protecting her. I believed that we were meant to be together somehow. I reached out to help her off her knees, and I leaned her over my arm and kissed her. Long, hard, and deep. Not with lust, but with love and affection. I sent her protection through my lips. I tried to kiss her in a holy way, one that would hold her until I saw her again. I enjoyed that kiss, which transcended time for a moment. For a moment I only existed inside that kiss, and Lilo was part of me. She cleansed me of my sins and made me whole. She was the sacrament that I needed. The only sacrament that ever meant anything. But all things end; all good things and bad, they cannot last. And as long as that kiss seemed at the time, it seems short in memory. It seems faded, an old photograph. A still thing, in the recesses of my mind. Real, but not vivid.

  I asked her, holding her to me, “Where is Weber? Is he making our documents?”

  “He is in the rectory. It is across a small alleyway, in the back of the church. Do you want to go there?”

  “Not yet. I want to sit with you for a little while. I have something to tell you. I want to sit down in the pews together. But first, do we have time? We cannot wait here if he is almost finished.”

  “No, he said it would be a few hours. We likely have more than an hour to go.”

  I led her by the hand to the pew closest to us. I sat down and angled myself toward her as I held her hands. Her hands were so much smaller and more delicate than mine.

  I told her about Erich’s letter. I was breathing heavily and had to take short breaths when I could, because I was nervous. Uttering these words to her made it all real. Erich’s letter and leaving Lilo. I felt outside of myself, as if animated by a puppeteer’s strings. I watched her for a reaction. I was expecting her to cry and was surprised that she didn’t. When I finished, she put her palm to my stubbled cheek. She brushed it softly, feeling my whiskers.

  She said gently, “I knew that you would have to go.”

  “What, how?”

  “I just knew. I knew nothing specific, but I had a feeling you would have to go help Sister Claire.”

  I sat silent.

  She continued, “I know you will make it to Switzerland. I just know in my heart, in my gut, in my soul. I know that you will live. You will save Sister Claire. You will meet me at the train station. I had had a vision of it while I was praying. I believe you will come, and we will embrace. You will live, Hans Beck. I know it, I just know it.”

  She put her hand on my chest. I felt my heart beating fast and heavy.

  She felt it too, because she said, “Don’t be afraid.”

  “I am only afraid to leave you, sweet girl.”

  “I will keep you in my heart until I return. You must leave something with me. Some part of you that I can feel, while you are gone, and I am lonely.”

  I thought. I had nothing to give her. Wait—I had the marriage certificate.

  “I will leave you with our marriage certificate. I will write a note on the back. I only want you to read it when you are the loneliest, when you can stand to wait for me no longer, and you need something from me.”

  She smiled. “Yes, that is perfect, my husband.” She gave me a kiss on the cheek.

  We got up and went to the alleyway across the street and to a small wooden house, painted white to match the church. Lilo opened the door, and in the front room there was Weber leaning over documents with a fountain pen. He looked up as we entered.

  “Where is Sister Claire?” he asked.

  “I have to go get her. I have to save her.”

  “I thought you had done that. I thought that is why you left.”

  “No, I have to go back to Regensburg to complete the journey.”

  Chapter 24

  We sat on the couch waiting for Weber to finish.

  “Where is the marriage certificate, Lilo?”

  She got up to fetch it.

  “Weber, do you have another pen?”

  He did, and he handed it to me.

  “Where is the priest that lives here?”

  “He has left to go ‘shopping’ and will be gone a couple of more hours. He is letting us use his home in his absence.”

  I nodded and left the room, going down a hallway and into a bathroom, so as not to disturb the priest’s room. I closed the door and sat down on the stall, turning over the marriage certificate. I held the pen in my hand and thought about what I would write. What would I say to Lilo? What could I say to make her feel better in her time of need? I squeezed my weary eyes closed and thought. I couldn’t think of anything that was appropriate and right.

  I just started writing.

  Lilo,

  My darling girl. I’m sorry I am not more eloquent of a writer, though I used to fancy myself one. I know that you have waited a long time to read this. If you are reading this, I am probably dead. I want you to know first that I love you. I love you more than myself, and I am sorry that I left you. Because, if I am dead, I have failed in my mission to return to you. And if I have failed at this, I have failed you. I am sorry, because if I had to choose to save Sister Claire, or to be with you—I would choose you. I thought I could do both...

  I stopped writing. Maybe I shouldn’t go. What if I was wrong, and I couldn’t save Sister Claire and be with Lilo? What if I had to choose? If that was the case, then I had to choose Lilo. I got up and put the letter in my pocket and the pen in the sink. I walked out to the front room, and Lilo looked up at me.

  “I am not going. I am going to Switzerland with you, Lilo.”

  Weber said, “What about Sister Claire?”

  I put my hand up to him. I didn’t even look at him—I was looking at Lilo, into her golden-brown, honeysuckle eyes.

  Softly, she said, “Hans, I want you to go. You must save her.”

  “But I must keep you safe. You are my wife and my priority.”

  “I will be safe, and so will you. God has promised me.”

  I stared at her, looking for any sign of doubt. I would go with her if I saw even the slightest amount of need or hesitation. I saw nothing but belief and faith. And love. I saw love emanating warmly out of her heart and covering me and my sins.

  “Okay,” I said. “I’ll go if that is what you want.”

  “No, Hans, I don’t want you to go. But I know that you must, and I believe in you. I trust in God that he will bring you home to me. You would never be happy letting Sister Claire perish.”

  “I love you, Liselotte.”

 
; “I love you Hans.”

  And I turned on my heel, back to the bathroom. I closed the door again, grabbing the pen, and sat down, drawing the certificate out of my pocket. I carefully unfolded it and continued to write.

  ... but since I couldn’t do both, I want you to remarry. I want you to be happy without me. I know you believe in God. Don’t lose your beautiful faith because of me. I am not worth that. Perhaps God has his reasons for us to be apart. Please know that I loved you, that I thought of you as I died. You were the last thought in my mind as I passed into the shadows. Please know that. Let that give you faith to move on. Faith that our love meant something, that it did mean something to me until the end. That it gave me sustenance on my journey. I love you, Lilo, and always will.

  Your husband,

  Hans

  I stared at the marriage certificate. There was no more room to write on the back of it. I had said what I could say. I got up and went out to the front room, refolding the certificate carefully. I kissed it as I entered the room.

  I handed it to Lilo, and as I did, Weber said, “Are you ready? I am done with your documents, both of yours.”

  “Yes,” we both said.

  And we were ready, as ready as we would ever be.

  While in the taxi to the train station, I realized that I had no money left. We got out of the taxi, and before we entered the train station, I said that we would have to go back to Sister Claire’s to look for some.

  “No worries about the money, Hans,” Weber said. “I will buy your ticket and Lilo’s and give you and her a little money to help. I don’t have much, but I will give you a little.”

  I suddenly felt awful for being so rude to Mr. Weber. He had been very kind to us.

  “I am sorry, Mr. Weber. I have been unkind and disrespectful. I know that you called Erich out of fear. We are all ruled by fear from time to time. Thank you for what you have done for us, and for what you are doing for Lilo especially.”

  He nodded, reached out his hand, and I shook it. He then handed us our documents.

  “I will go purchase your tickets, one for Lilo to Switzerland and one for you, Hans—to Passau.”