Love and Hate Read online

  He reached into his pocket and pulled out several bills, handing half to me and half to Lilo. I thanked him again and put my half in Lilo’s hands.

  “Hans, no...”

  “I won’t take the money Lilo. You will need it. I will go straight to Erich, and I will be fine without it. I won’t take no for an answer.”

  She half smiled and said, “Okay, dear.”

  Weber went to get our tickets, and we stood there. It was dusk, and there couldn’t have been many people traveling that night, because I had not seen one person pass us to enter or exit the station. Lilo hugged me tightly. I smelled her hair. I wanted to remember what she smelled like. I looked up at the heavens and saw the stars coming out, their first twinkling of the night. I closed my eyes. I didn’t really believe, but I prayed anyway. I prayed that God would keep us both safe, but I asked that if he chose one of us to live, I asked if he did that, that he would choose Lilo.

  Chapter 25

  It was now completely dark, and there were some people scattered, waiting for trains.

  Mr. Weber said, “I will say auf wiedersehen and wish you good luck now.”

  He kissed Lilo on the cheek, and she kissed him on his cheek.

  I shook his hand and said, “Thank you again, Mr. Weber.”

  He nodded and walked away.

  I looked up at a clock we almost stood under, gripping a pole in the station. It was almost 8:00 p.m.

  “When does your train leave?

  “At 8:05.”

  “At 8:05! What are we waiting for? We must get you on the train at once. This is Germany; trains are never late.”

  We ran to her train, and I kissed her quickly, embracing her briefly and helping her onto the train.

  She smiled at me before fully boarding and said, “I love you Hans. I will think of you every moment of every day, until we meet again.”

  I gulped back my sobs. “I love you too, Lilo. Be safe.”

  She turned around and got on the train. I waited a few minutes until the train came alive, and moved Lilo away from me. Into Switzerland she would go. It might have as well been into Heaven, because it felt like she was leaving me for good, and tears silently rolled down my cheeks. I turned to walk away.

  I heard my name and turned around. It was Lilo, her head barely visible in the night air, being pulled away second by second from me.

  I couldn’t really see her, but I heard her fading voice saying, “I love you, I love you.” I could hear tears inside of the voice.

  I felt like she tried to say one more thing, but the train let out a long wail, and I heard nothing any more. Her last words were devoured by the train’s whistle. I pondered later, on my way to Passau, about what she might have said, and I didn’t know. But I knew she loved me, and that was all that really mattered anyway.

  Chapter 26

  LILO

  I wasn’t a brave person; Hans thought that I was. I only had faith that made me appear brave. I was frightened of the Nazis that I saw on the train ride to Switzerland. I thought they were looking at me as a ghetto prisoner, as a piece of meat. I was frightened until I thought of Hans, and I knew that he had so much more to be scared of than I did. I stopped being frightened then and thought of that—my love for Hans, and I was scared for him, forgetting about any dangers I faced.

  While on the train, a Nazi officer leaned over and offered me a cigarette. I recoiled instinctively

  “Fräulein, are you that opposed to smoking?”

  He interpreted my fear as disgust at the habit. He smiled in a natural way, looking friendly. I had never been looked at by a Nazi this way, in a way that was not with hatred or animal lust. He looked at me as a person, an equal.

  “I am sorry, Fräulein, I shouldn’t have blown smoke in your face. How rude of me. May I ask your name?”

  “Liselotte.”

  “Ah, what a pretty name.”

  He fell silent for a moment and then picked back up the conversation.

  “So where are you headed?”

  “What?”

  “What is your final destination?” he asked casually.

  “Schaffhausen.”

  “Why Switzerland? If I may ask? That country, if you ask me, is full of Jew lovers and communist-pacifists. I am not sure why we haven’t rolled tanks over it. There is Germanic blood there already anyway.”

  “I am going to visit my uncle.”

  I didn’t realize, until he asked his next question, that he was attracted to me.

  “May I call you Liselotte?”

  “Yes.”

  “I too am going to Switzerland, but my final destination is in Zurich, on state business. Would you mind if I called on you when I returned? I could meet you at your uncle’s, and perhaps we could all have dinner together?”

  “I am married,” I quickly replied.

  “Married? I see no ring.”

  “I-I never had one, we were too poor.”

  He looked at me with half closed blue eyes, as if trying to see into a microscope—inside of the small parts of me.

  “Fine, then.”

  “What?”

  “There is no reason to lie to me. I have been a gentleman, if you aren’t interested, surely you could think of a better excuse.”

  “I really am married, I am sorry...”

  He put his hand up to silence me. Not disrespectfully, but as if he was hurt. I had thought that he was interrogating me, but he was only trying to get a date. A crazy thought came to me then. I wanted to tell him that I was Jewish. I wanted to smile at him as I did it. I wanted to shout that I was Jewish at the top of my lungs so that he would be embarrassed.

  I was tired of being made to fear others because of who I was or having to hide who I was. I was Jewish, and I was proud of that.

  If I shouted, that would be the end of me, and I would never see Hans again. Hans would arrive in Switzerland alone. I couldn’t do that, and I wasn’t so careless; I was almost free. I could sense the freedom approaching me. The train was traveling toward my freedom, but it had already entered my heart. When I was finally at Mr. Franz’s, I could shout that I was Jewish, and I would really be Jewish. Right now, I wasn’t Jewish, I was pretending to be something else. They had temporarily stolen that from me—my identity.

  He leaned over to me. “Liselotte, will you please give me your address? I don’t mean to be overly forward, I am sorry, but you are the most beautiful woman that I have ever seen. I just want a dinner—one dinner. If, after that, you don’t wish to see me again, you won’t.”

  I gave him the street with the wrong address. I felt like I had to. He expected an answer, and with my identity stolen by him temporarily, I felt I had no choice but to oblige him some. I couldn’t risk arousing suspicion.

  “Thank you, Liselotte. I will call on you.”

  He tried to impress me, “I am on business and report directly to Obergruppenführer Beck. You may have heard of him, and he reports to Heinrich Himmler, who reports directly to the Führer.”

  He then shocked me, grasping my hand and kissing it. I shuddered inside and held my breath.

  He noticed and gently let my hand go. “I am sorry. I said that I would be less forward. I will see you soon, in several days, perhaps. I promise to leave the cigarettes at home, Liselotte.” He smiled. “But, here is the stop where you have to change trains for Schaffhausen. I will see you soon.”

  “Goodbye Herr... I am sorry, I don’t know your name.”

  “Gerhard. My name is Gerhard.”

  I could only nod at the sound of his name and then left the train, hoping that I would never see him again. As I left the train, I felt freedom wash over me and my identity return almost immediately. I never looked back at the train.

  Chapter 27

  I arrived at the train station, and having no money, I had to walk a little to get to the ghetto. I began walking through the silent night. The platform was deserted, and so were the streets. After a few miles I found myself in the city, under the low hum
of a streetlight. I peered around into the darkness. Nobody. I needed to collect my thoughts before I got to the ghetto, and I was now only a few blocks away. I saw an alleyway that looked sufficiently dark and deserted, so I turned into it, and as I did, I heard an explosion and saw men running past. They were soldiers, and they were running toward the ghetto. The temporary silence that followed the explosion was punctuated by gunfire.

  There was a battle, I thought. Erich was telling the truth about the ghetto uprising. I smiled. Good for them for fighting back, I thought. I walked deeper into the alleyway and sat down, enveloped by the darkness.

  I thought about Erich. I knew that he had some plan for me. I didn’t believe he would kill me right away. I could likely get him in private. He would want to give me some grand speech, and we would be alone. He didn’t want everyone knowing what he had done with me and Lilo. That would be my chance. Erich was much smaller than I was and had not seen direct battle. I could kill him barehanded. And quietly. I knew that I could if I were alone. That would take care of him, but I had two more problems. One was getting out alive, and the other was finding out where Sister Claire was and getting her out alive.

  If I could extract from Erich what he had done with Sister Claire, I could then kill him and have the chance to slip away with the fighting as cover, with just long enough to get to Sister Claire. I could take Erich’s weapon and steal any money he had. I would shoot anyone who might be guarding Sister Claire if needed, hopefully concealed by noisy fighting.

  But how would I leave with her and get to the train station? They would likely have found Erich by then and be looking for me. What would I do then? I didn’t know; it was all an audacious plan that seemed unlikely to succeed. But I had to try. I had promised Lilo I would do this and get back to her. I would do whatever it took to accomplish that or give it my best effort, even if I got killed.

  I left my hiding place and walked out to the streetlight. The streets were still deserted. I went toward the ghetto, only several streets away. There was continuous gunfire now.

  I was two streets away from the ghetto and walking through an alleyway that let out into a street full of soldiers. There were tents and soldiers running around. This must be their encampment as they fought the Jewish residents. There was nothing more for me to do but to walk into the light and ask for Erich. I knew no other way to find him, and I had no uniform any more.

  I walked out into the light and commotion. I saw some soldiers, stern-faced, glare at me, and two trotted right up to me.

  One shouted at me, “What do you think you are doing? You know there is a curfew being enforced, and I could shoot you dead right now.”

  “Sir, Erich Beck told me he wanted to speak with me.”

  “Shut the fuck up! I had not finished deciding if I was going to beat you, and you open your mouth. You will talk when I tell you to speak. How do I know that Obergruppenführer Beck has asked to speak with you? Do you have a document? Speak now!”

  “No, sir, I do not have a document. You can hold me and ask Obergruppenführer Beck about me, about Hans, and he will validate my claim.”

  “If you are lying, it will not end well for you.”

  He grabbed me by the arm, as did the other soldier, and they led me to a tent and pushed me inside. He told the other soldier to watch me. It was a small, simple tent, obviously used for food storage. I had fallen onto a sack of grain, cushioning me as I was tossed inside.

  It wasn't long until the man came to the tent, opening it, and asked me to stand up.

  “Sir, I am sorry for the confusion. Your story has been validated. Please follow me. I will lead you to his tent.”

  I got up and followed him as he led me on a good five-minute jog, away from the fighting. He led me to a large tent, guarded, and the guards moved aside, anticipating our entrance. The soldier leading me opened the tent flap and held it for me as I entered. There was Erich, sitting in a folding chair by himself. The other soldier waited to be dismissed.

  “Leave us alone.”

  He saluted Erich and left silently, closing the flap.

  There was a folding chair facing Erich, and he got up, motioning for me to sit in it. I obeyed as Erich got up and went to a nearby table and grabbed two cigars, cutting them and bringing a lighter. He handed me one, and I declined.

  “I am not asking, Hans.”

  I took the cigar, and he held the lighter to my cigar as I puffed it to life. He lit his and blew a ring of smoke into the air. A thick purple wisp that smelled heavy and earthy dissolved into the air. He put the cigar near my eye, right up to my eyeball. A fireball, blinding one eye with smoke and heat. I winced, and he laughed.

  “I am not going to burn you Hans. C’mon, can’t you take a joke?”

  He sat down in his chair while I contemplated killing him.

  “I know you plan to kill me, Hans, I am not a fool.”

  I looked shocked. And I was, but I hoped the shock would look like disbelief and not proof of my guilt. I had fear in the pit of my stomach. Coming here was a mistake. I was scared, not of death, but I was scared of not seeing Lilo again. If I didn’t have the element of surprise, I still might kill him, but it would be too noisy.

  “Yes, but you won’t do it, because I told you that I have a deal for you. I have a way for you to cleanse yourself of your illness. It really is a fantastic opportunity for you, Hans. If you try to kill me, I will let the guards know at once. I mean, they are already here. Turn around.”

  I turned around, and there were the two guards who had branded me and walked Lilo and I out of the ghetto.

  I turned to Erich and looked dejected.

  “What, little brother-Jew? You look sad. I told you, I have news to cheer you up. As you can see, I am no longer in my house, and the—”

  “You mean the house that you stole.”

  He grinned. “Tsk, tsk. Watch your mouth, you Jewish son of a whore. Or I will slit your throat right here and now.”

  He pulled a knife out of his belt and walked over, placing it on the side of my throat.

  “I said that I had a deal for you, but I don’t have to let you live. I want you to take part, but I don’t need you. I could kill you and have your body burned. That would be sufficient to extinguish your illness. And to make amends for letting you go. However...”

  He pulled the knife away, but not before putting a slight amount of pressure on my neck. The blade was sharp and tore a small cut into my neck, which started to bleed rather badly. It was not a cut to kill, but it did hurt, and I grabbed my neck. He told one guard to get me a cloth. They threw one to me and I pressed it to the wound.

  “I wouldn’t want you to bleed to death. You know, even a smaller cut can do that. Now, where was I? Oh yes, and remember, no disrespect, Hans. Next time I will cut half your goddamn neck off, I swear to god.”

  I nodded. “My apologies, Erich.”

  “Ah, there you are, that is the Hans I know. Okay, so now you are a Jew, and the Jews are fighting us. I will let Sister Claire go because you returned. But you must be cleansed of your disease, and you can serve some usefulness to me, perhaps. The usefulness is this. You will go among your Jewish brothers and convince them that you are one of them. You will find where they are getting their weapons from and what their weapons supply level and food supply looks like. You will find out who is leading them and what rathole they are holed up in. Most of all, you will find out what they plan to do next. And this will help us know how to defeat them quickly. I mean, we will win eventually, but I don’t want one more good Aryan’s death on my watch.”

  He paused, and I said, “Erich, I cannot do that, I wouldn’t. And even if I could, they wouldn’t trust me.”

  “Well, you could not do it, but I would kill you and Sister Claire, of course. I think they very well might trust you. You have that Jewish branding of the Star of David, and I would provide you fresh ‘Jewish’ papers. You are a good talker, as most Jews are. I think you can do it. And, if I am wrong—the
y kill you. But if you escape and bring me intelligence...well, then I will let you go. You will have been cleansed of your illness either way. You are either an Aryan hero and a Jew-killer or you are a Jew and die at their hands. And no matter what, if you go—I let Sister Claire free.”

  He laughed long and hard and clapped his hands in glee. “Isn’t it a wonderful plan, brother? You get to be rid of your illness, and I have done my duty by helping you rid yourself of it.”

  “I will do it Erich. I will try.”

  “Oh, good brother.”

  He put his cigar out and then went over to his table and grabbed a large horsewhip.

  “Now, take off your shirt, Hans. I need to make sure that you look the part. I need to beat you some to help you seem like you have been tortured. I do this only to help make you successful.”

  He reared back with the whip in hand, arching his back to gather force, and smiled as he did so.

  “You know, Hans, you better take that shirt off more quickly and grab the back of that chair. I mean, otherwise I will hit you in the face. I do think you will want to be able to talk.”

  My shirt off, I grabbed the chair. I heard the whip cut through the air and then felt intense pain searing from where it landed that spread all over my back. I heard Erich grunt as he hit me again. I emitted a small groan. He laughed in a high-pitched squeal.

  He hit me again, and again, and again. So many times that I lost count, and the pain was coursing all over me now, into my head and down my legs. And then it all went black.

  Chapter 28

  I woke to two men dragging me. I looked up and recognized one of the ghetto’s side gates. I was being dragged inside the gates. One guard was grabbing my shoulders and the other carrying the weight of my hips. I was in such pain that my body pulsated. My back felt almost numb with pain—it was my body that was beating, as if I was one large heart. Pain that defied description. My body couldn’t translate the pain to me. I couldn’t see peripherally—just the stars above. I shook badly, and the men put me down for a moment, and that was when I noticed my back.