Love and Hate Read online

  “I have never offered myself to a man before. You said that you loved me. I don’t understand.”

  She started to cry.

  I scooted over to her and held her, wiping her tears, and said, “Lilo, I want you so badly. I want to make love to you.”

  I had to stop myself from kissing her, because I badly wanted to, and if I did, I would no longer be in control of my passion for her.

  “I want you, but I know you wanted to wait for your husband.”

  “But we are married.” She had stopped crying.

  “Well, on paper, but it is not real yet.”

  “It can be. We love each other. If you want it to be real, then it is. We have the paper for the law. All God requires is a commitment between two people. And all I require is love. Do you want it to be real? Do you want to be with me forever, as short or as long as we will live? Do you love me that much?”

  “I do. I love you that much.”

  “Then husband, come be with your wife.”

  She kissed me, and in that kiss, we became one. We became husband and wife. It was a promise, a holy vow. I couldn’t resist her any longer. I took off her clothes and then mine. I wanted to feel every piece of her with my body. I suckled her soft breasts, and she felt me below. I was about to enter her when I paused.

  “This will hurt a little.”

  She pulled me to her and groaned with delight, interspersed with pain. I smiled at the sound and kissed her hard. We ebbed and flowed together until it was over. But it was not over, I thought. I would protect her, and we would live together, I had a new determination to live.

  I pulled the sheet up and over us. She laid her head on my shoulder. And we slept.

  Chapter 20

  I was dreaming when I heard it.

  I wasn’t sure where I was, or what was happening, since I was half awake.

  The banging at the door was relentless. I woke up completely, and afraid, more afraid than I had ever been. I knew it was a soldier who wanted papers. How could I have not prepared and practiced what I would say? How had I made love and fallen asleep so irresponsibly, I thought as I pulled on my trousers and put on my shirt. I was buttoning it when they tried to open it, but I had locked it.

  Before I angered the knocker any further, I quickly whispered to Lilo, “Stay in bed, and I will take care of this.”

  I opened the door to face a soldier who was plainly irritated.

  “Ticket and papers please,” he said matter-of-factly.

  “Yes, of course.” I handed him our tickets, which he punched and looked at quickly, handing them back to me.

  “And your papers?”

  “I don’t have any.”

  “And who else is in the room?”

  He moved past me and flicked on the lights. Lilo squinted her eyes, dressed only in the bed sheet. I was very nervous and trying not to let it show. My forehead had sweat that I was praying did not roll so obviously down the bridge of my nose.

  “Neither of us have papers,” I said.

  He looked at me sternly. “And why not? I will have to arrest both of you until we determine your identities.”

  Our marriage certificate was on the floor, and he noticed it, kicking it lightly with his foot.

  “What is this?”

  “It is a marriage certificate. We have just been married.”

  He picked it up and looked at it. A different look came over his face. He smiled and said, “Congratulations! I know this pastor. He married my mother and father. He is a good man.”

  I nodded in false agreement.

  He reached to shake my hand. His demeanor had suddenly changed.

  “And I don’t feel a ring, Where are your rings? No papers and a wedding certificate, but no rings.”

  Lilo pointed at my black eye. “Sir, we were walking by the ghetto when some Jews on worker detail stole them, our papers, and beat my husband.”

  He looked at my eye. He seemed halfway convinced, but he was vacillating; he could swing either way. I eyed the slight patch of red between Lilo’s legs, the faint pink discoloration of the off-white fabric.

  “Sir, may I speak with you in private, in the hall,” I whispered. “I am sorry for all of the confusion. I just don’t want to talk in here any more, as it was my wife’s first time to make love. I don’t want to embarrass her further.”

  He glanced over at the sheets, saw the stain, and blushed scarlet.

  “Oh, I am sorry, ma’am. I will leave both of you alone. Pastor Vogel is a good man. Congratulations again.”

  He averted his eyes from her and shook my hand again. “I am sorry those rats took your rings. I can put in a report for you. They will be shot if found as the dogs they are. To do that on your wedding day. Only Jews would do that.”

  “Thank you so much, but we already reported it.”

  “Heil Hitler!” He put his hand in the air.

  “Heil Hitler!” I repeated with my best feigned enthusiasm.

  He was gone, and we were breathing heavily for a few moments. I reached over for my wife, leaned over her, and we made love again before falling asleep.

  Chapter 21

  The train stopped. We were in Passau. The conductor announced it as I felt the train’s constant jostling calm to a stop. I wanted to get to Bücher Boys’ home as soon as possible. I wanted Lilo to be safe.

  I flicked on the lights and said, “They will only stop for five minutes or so. We have to hurry.”

  We got dressed, and I picked up our marriage certificate. We opened the door and were on the platform with the train puffing and shrieking its whistle into the night.

  It was late, perhaps midnight, and there would be no buses. We would have to wait until morning to catch one. It was cold, and Lilo was shivering. I took off my coat and wrapped it around her.

  “But Hans, you will freeze.”

  “It’s nothing, I am too hot in it anyway.”

  I held in my shivers to convince her. We went over to a bench on the side of the platform and she leaned on me. I held her protectively, like someone could hurt her, like someone could take her from me. It was cold and dark, and we were alone. But cold as I was, I was warm in my love for Lilo. It made me happy that she wore my coat. Her being a little less cold made it more bearable for me.

  She took about thirty minutes to fall asleep. I never did. The cold was my companion, and it kept me partially awake. I nodded off and woke up again every few minutes, and in between there was a dream-like state that I entered. It was the shadow land. I saw men that I had shot on the battlefield, and I saw Mamma.

  “Mamma! How are you? I love you and have missed you.”

  I got up to hug her, but she put her hand up, and Erich’s voice came out of her mouth.

  “Why did you kill me? You know that I loved you. Why did you kill me, your dear Mamma?”

  “You aren’t my Mamma. You are a soulless creature. I thought that this was where the dead were, but Erich, you come to me here, cloaked in my mother’s skin like a fucking coward, the coward that you are. You are the murderer. You killed Father.”

  “And what did you DO about that, Hans? What did you do?”

  He answered his own question. “You did nothing. You sat there and let me do it and didn’t even try to stop me from killing all the people that I have killed. Don’t you hold responsibility too? Or perhaps you agree that I should have killed Father, the Jew-lover he was, just like you.”

  He was a shapeshifter and no longer looked like Mamma, but he took the form of Father.

  “Hans, you know you could have saved me. You could have helped me hide from Erich. But you did nothing. I am ashamed of you.”

  “I am sorry, Father.” I began to cry. “I didn’t. I should’ve done something.”

  The shifter turned into Sister Claire and said, “I lied to you, Hans. You are to blame for what you have done. What you are is unforgivable.”

  I was so upset that I couldn’t cry. I looked over, since I didn’t feel Lilo. She was no
longer lying next to me; she was standing in front of me. Erich was there, and he smacked her hard with the back of his hand across her face. I got up and punched Erich, and he fell over, blood spurting from his nose. He was laughing manically.

  “Is that all you’ve got, Hans? You know you are the one with blood on your soul. I don’t feel guilty for what I have done for the Fatherland.”

  Lilo turned to me and said, “You don’t have blood on your hands, Hans. Your soul is clean. I love you.” She held my face in her palms and kissed me.

  I then realized that Lilo was on the bench.

  “Hans, why are you on the ground? Come, come to me. I am frightened here in the dark. I need you.”

  I came to my senses and went to her. I would protect her, not only through the cold, dark night, but I would also comfort her during her nightmares to come. Inside, she must have them too. Nightmares from the Nazis and the ghetto. I held her, fully awake, until the morning light.

  Chapter 22

  It was dawn, and I nudged Lilo.

  “Lilo,” I whispered as I kissed her temple.

  She yawned a precious yawn and stretched her delicate arms, “Yes, love, is it time to go?”

  “Yes, sweet girl, people are arriving and there surely are buses or taxis. Let’s get one.”

  We left the platform. I was glad to leave that horrible place. I didn’t look back, only forward. I was almost fearful that if I did look back, I would see Erich, and not just as an apparition, but my evil brother in the flesh.

  I saw a shiny black taxi and raised my hand to signal that we needed a ride. I opened the door for Lilo and then got in.

  “Where to?”

  “Bücher Boys’ Home.”

  “Okay, you got it, sir.”

  We pulled up to the old building that looked as old and desolate as ever. But to me, instead of the prison that I saw before, I saw a warm glow about it. It was a place to be safe. A place to hide, a welcome sight.

  The taxi had driven away, and we stood in front of the doors. Strangely, I didn’t see any boys or hear any sounds. I opened the door, and it creaked open slowly, the hinges straining. I was holding Lilo’s hand and led her into the darkened room. It still was one large room, only there were no partitions or signs of people at all. I walked her back to Sister Margaret’s room. There was no one there. The place was deserted.

  “What should we do, Hans?”

  “I am not sure. Just let me think for a second, sweet girl. Don’t be frightened. It will be all right.”

  I wasn’t sure of that myself. I walked into Sister Margaret’s room and imagined her and her lover there again. I looked at the bed and then noticed that the bed was made and that there were sheets on it. Someone must have slept here, and recently. The sheets were creased slightly where someone had lain on top. I could almost trace the indention their body had made.

  I whispered, “Someone has been here, Lilo. But I don’t know if they would be our friend or not. We must go hide. Let’s go to the kitchen.”

  We went to the kitchen, and I opened a drawer where the utensils would be. It was still stocked. I grabbed a long butcher’s knife and told Lilo to hide under the long kitchen table. I told her I would return shortly, and not to be afraid because I would protect her with my life. And I would. No harm would come to her. I would slit someone’s throat before one hair on her angelic head was touched.

  I went back to the room and sat on the bed. I put the knife down next to me, on the side not facing the door. It would appear I was not armed.

  It didn’t take long for someone to arrive.

  I grabbed the handle of the knife and walked to the door, pressing against its frame. I heard the solitary footsteps announcing someone’s arrival. It was only one set of feet that tapped the concrete floors, I could tell, and if there was only one person, well, I would take them, if I needed to, even if they had a gun—unless they shot me immediately. I was scared for Lilo, but I tried to bury my fear deep inside as the person came closer and closer. Fear was not my friend in a situation such as this. I needed to be cool-headed and able to react as the situation demanded.

  There was always the chance that the person wouldn’t be hostile, but I needed to protect Lilo. I wouldn’t murder unnecessarily, but we had to meet with this knife at their throat, with me in control. I knew how to take a man unaware of the present danger he was facing. I was able to throw him on the floor and put his back into my chest and strangle him. I also could do the same, but with a knife to his throat. I was not good at precision, though; I was only used to killing the man. So I didn’t know if I would inadvertently slit his throat if he moved when I put the knife there. I was going to try not to kill them until I knew whether they were a threat.

  I heard them turning the corner and entering the room. I grabbed them and pulled them into my body, about to place the knife at their neck. It registered when they screamed that it was a woman. As my knife almost cut their face in the struggle, I loosened my grip and dropped the knife. I opened my arms. The woman fell. She was quite old. I bent down to help her up, but she swatted me away.

  “Hans, what are you doing?”

  It was Sister Claire.

  “My God, Sister Claire, I am so sorry. I didn’t know it was you!”

  “Well, I knew it would be you. Erich sent me a note, telling me that you were likely dead but to let him know if you showed up. I knew you must be in some sort of trouble—but alive. He is not considerate enough to send me notes like that.”

  She finally got up, and I helped to steady her. And then we hugged. A long hug, and she teared up. I had not seen Sister Claire in many, many years, not since my adopted mother’s funeral.

  “Hans, what have you gotten yourself into?”

  “Are you alone, Sister Claire? Where are the boys? Where is Sister Margaret?”

  “Sister Margaret is at the convent, and they closed the orphanage for now. I offered to stay here to watch the place. It has been my home for so long. I didn’t want to leave.”

  A tear rolled down her sweet face, and I wiped it with my hand. “I am sorry, Sister Claire. I am sorry you are lonely. I will fill you in on everything. I want you to meet my wife.”

  “Your wife?”

  “Yes,” and I shouted, cupping my hands to my mouth. “It is all right, Lilo, come out! It is just Sister Claire.”

  I heard her soft footsteps as she approached the room. Her pretty face entered, smiling.

  “What is your name, dear?”

  “Liselotte.”

  “Oh, she is beautiful, Hans. Come here, let me give you a hug and a kiss on the cheek, dear.”

  Lilo came over, and they embraced. My dear Aunt Sister Claire and my new wife. The only two people that I loved in the world. Despite all the horrible things that we had gone through and the difficulties ahead, I was happy for a moment. I allowed happiness to wash over me.

  “Come, sit at the kitchen table with me. Tell me what has happened.”

  And so we sat while Sister Claire listened and nodded. She was attentive but silent. She was waiting until we finished to give her thoughts.

  When we had no more to say, she remained silent with her head bowed. She was praying an “Our Father” for us. What a beautiful soul, I thought.

  She looked up, “Hans, my dear Liselotte, Erich asked me to tell him if I saw you—he must suspect that you would come here. It is not safe for you here.”

  “But Sister Claire, he said that he would not follow us...”

  “Erich is a sly man. I don’t know what his plan is, but it isn’t good. I don’t care about myself,” she half smiled, “I just don’t want either of you to get hurt.”

  “We have nowhere to go, Sister Claire,” I said.

  “You do, actually. I have a man in Passau’s city center, a Mr. Weber who makes fake papers when needed. I have helped a Jew or two get out of Germany and to Switzerland. There is a friend of my father’s, an old family friend in Switzerland, a Mr. Franz, who is sympathetic to th
e plight that Jews in Germany currently face. He would let you stay with him if you came with a note from me. He has a large manor in the German-speaking part of Switzerland, just across the border by train.”

  “Oh, Sister Claire, thank you so much,” Lilo exclaimed. “A way out.”

  “Don’t thank me yet, dear girl, we need to get you out of the orphanage first. Let’s get you a taxi to Mr. Weber’s, and from there we will work to get your papers in order.”

  Sister Claire had rung Mr. Weber as we drove to Passau’s city center. We exited the taxi and walked up to a plain apartment building. It was brown and ugly—like something that you would find in the ghetto. We knocked on a door on the first floor and waited. After what seemed like a long time, a man came to the door. He eyed us suspiciously but eventually invited us in.

  We sat down in his simple living room, and Lilo and I recounted our story. I explained Erich’s strange letter implying that I was missing and asking Sister Claire to let him know when I was found. I told him that was why Sister Claire wanted to get us to Switzerland, and quickly.

  Mr. Weber sat in what looked like deep thought. He said in a quiet voice, “I will work on your documents immediately. I have gotten many people out of Germany, but not anyone hunted by the likes of Erich Beck.”

  “Maybe he is not looking for us actively.”

  “You don’t understand. His men have already been here. They told me to call when they came yesterday if you came by. I was told the only reason I was not being arrested for my activities was that Erich Beck wanted to know when you came.”

  He looked distraught and stared at the crackling fireplace.

  “But he wouldn’t know that we are here now, unless we were being followed, and we saw no one. And you won’t say anything...” Lilo said.

  “Don’t you understand? I already have said something,” he said, looking at the ground. “I called him as soon as Sister Claire called me, thinking that it would protect us both if I turned you both in.”