Love and Hate Page 8

  “Gunther Vogel is your brother?” I asked.

  “Yes. And it is his handwriting. I suppose I should ask you in. I am sorry, where are my manners? Please come in and out from the darkness. We must talk more in my private office.”

  He had a flashlight with him that he turned on, and he led the way forward. I grabbed Lilo’s hand, and we followed. Strangely, he grabbed my hand. He must have known that the flashlight provided insufficient guidance; it served mostly as a reminder to him of where to go, since he knew the place well. The door closed with an almost silent thud behind us. We walked for a minute or two, until he turned directly to the left and immediately right again into a room that was half lit up by candles, and then he switched on an overhead light, and we could see him fully. We were in a small office. A couple of bookshelves and a simple desk with two chairs in front. He motioned for us to take a seat as he sat down in the chair in front of his desk, scattered with papers.

  “Now, I want to know the truth, both why you want my help, and why my brother is involved.”

  I opened my mouth, but before I could say anything, he shushed me.

  “No, I want to hear her.” He pointed at Lilo. “Tell the story. I have a feeling I will get more straight talk from her. And she is pretty anyway, so she may not be a Jew.”

  A wave of jealousy came over me, surprising me with its intensity. I didn’t like his remark about her one bit. I knew it was best to stay silent, though, and to calm my temper. But if he said one more thing, I would wipe the floor with his face and make him do my bidding instead of asking him. I didn’t like him at all.

  Lilo began, “I will tell you the truth. The whole truth.” She turned to me, “Lying won’t work with him. I’m not good at it, and I can tell he will see through it.”

  “Lilo...”

  She turned back to him, not looking at me for support.

  “I am Jewish, and he is not. Well, not really. He was a Nazi ghetto guard who protected me. His brother, who is the head of the ghetto...”

  “Wait, you are Erich Beck’s brother?”

  He had put his hand up to Lilo, temporarily demanding her silence.

  Erich wouldn’t like this level of honesty, telling his true motives. I felt uncomfortable but nodded anyway, reluctantly.

  “Okay, well go on, what was your name?”

  “Liselotte.”

  “And what does he call you?”

  “Hans, he calls me Lilo.”

  “Then I shall as well, my dear. Lilo, go on.”

  He made me sick. He fancied her and was baiting me, I could tell. Well, I wouldn’t take it much longer.

  “Well, he saved me, and his brother said that he would make him a Jew and that he would change his records. And he did, he changed them and branded him with a Star of David.”

  He rudely put his palm out again to quiet Lilo. “I wish to see your branding, your Star of David.”

  “I don’t see how that is necessary and relevant. She already told you about it.”

  He shouted, “I see it as relevant. I see what I decide as relevant. You both are as good as dead if I decide you so. I am giving you God’s grace right now, and if you don’t cooperate, I will have you leave, and will call the Gestapo immediately.”

  I stood up. “You are weak. I could take you down with one hand behind my back, you fat bastard. I don’t like the way you are talking to her, and I will not take your threats. I have no reason to trust you to help us any more.”

  “Oh, you won’t attack me.”

  He pointed a gun at me. I hadn’t even noticed his hand on it under crumpled papers until he shook that hand from under the papers to fully expose the gun.

  “Look, I am not like my brother. I may be a pastor, but I am pragmatic. And smart. I don’t help people for free. Help me, and I will help you in return. But this here,” he looked at his gun, “will keep us all civil.

  “Now sit down, and dear, I am sorry, I will not interrupt you again, I swear. Go on with your story. I will give you grace. You do not have to show your branded arm to me. See, I am a reasonable man.”

  “We were given twenty-four hours from this morning to walk outside of the ghetto free. Your brother helped us because he believed us when Hans said that we weren’t Jewish. A Gestapo agent came looking, and then we had to tie him and your brother up and leave. The Gestapo agent thinks that we took him hostage, your brother, so no harm should come to him.”

  “Well, what an interesting story, honey girl. So you are pretty and a Jew after all.”

  “Stop talking to her like that.”

  “Or what? You will call the Gestapo? Even if you are out of the ghetto with permission, you have attacked a Gestapo agent. Look, my brother is the anti-Semite and helped you because he isn’t the brightest and believed your story. I love him dearly, but he just isn’t that smart. I am not an anti-Semite. I have no issues with Jews. I work for one.” He briefly eyed a small portrait of Jesus on the wall facing the door.

  “But I am more pragmatic and will give nothing for free. It is a great risk for me to help you two. What is it that you want from me?”

  Lilo finished, “Your brother thought that you could marry us and provide us with a marriage certificate, and then we could use that document as part of our story, to connect me to Hans, to get us out of town.”

  He looked nonplussed. “I will do it. I will do it on one condition.”

  “What?” I said.

  He looked at Lilo. “If you fuck me.”

  I wasn’t all that surprised, but a rage took hold of me, and I got up and went to his fat little face and told him that he could shoot me in the head before he laid a hand on her. His face almost equaled mine in the hate that his eyes emitted. I think he might have shot me then if it weren’t for Lilo.

  “I will do it.” Lilo stood up. “Please don’t shoot him. I love him. I will do whatever you ask, just please don’t hurt him.”

  “No Lilo, please, please...”

  “He will shoot you and rape me if I don’t, and he won’t help us otherwise.”

  “She is pragmatic, isn’t she? I like you even more, my dear Lilo.”

  I fell silent. I would not let this happen, but I didn’t know how I would stop it yet.

  He got up and put the gun to Lilo’s head. “Give me a blow job,” he said while crudely mimicking one, “right now. Right here. We have to be in sight of Hans, or I don’t trust what he would do.”

  He pointed the gun at Lilo’s head as she nervously unfastened his belt and reached her shaking hand into his pants.

  At that moment a shot rang out and the pastor fell to the ground, bleeding. I looked at the door and a young man walked in, trembling.

  “I heard everything that happened. All that was said. He is a sick man and has been for some time. I wouldn’t let him do that to you.”

  “Who are you?” we both asked.

  “I am the janitor. It is not right. I couldn’t let him do that to you.” He looked at Lilo. “He has done it to me before. It is not right.”

  I knelt down and then checked the pastor’s pulse. Lucas Vogel was dead. He wasn’t even bleeding much, just red spreading out from his shirt. I thought that the bleeding must be mostly internal.

  “Thank you, son, what is your name?” I asked.

  “Klaus,” he said timidly.

  I held my hand out for the gun, and he handed it to me.

  “Where did you get this?”

  “Pastor Vogel keeps a couple of guns in his office. When I heard you at the door, I got it to be safe. I heard that there were criminals out. I can see now that you meant no harm, and I wouldn’t let him hurt you. I decided that after he tried to hurt the girl.”

  He looked at the ground.

  “What you did is a good thing. You shouldn’t feel guilty at all,” I said.

  He started crying softly. He looked around sixteen years old, although he seemed much younger.

  Lilo grabbed him to her chest and held him as he cried harder. He w
as trying to say something, and I couldn’t understand.

  I said, “What, what are you saying, Klaus?”

  Lilo repeated what he was saying. “He is saying that they will kill him now.”

  “No, no they won’t,” I said, but I sounded unsure—even to myself.

  Lilo said, “They won’t kill you, because you will go home in a minute. You will stay home sick tomorrow. Do you live with your parents?”

  He nodded.

  “Good, they can vouch that you stayed home. Will anyone else come tomorrow to the church, as it is not Sunday?”

  “No, not likely.”

  She looked at me. “Okay, this will give us time to escape. But we have to leave him some cover, Hans.”

  “What cover can we leave him?”

  “A note. You can sign a note saying that we did this.”

  I hesitated. That could give us much less time, if they knew where we had been. I looked at the terror-filled boy and thought about how he had saved us and saved Lilo from being raped.

  “Okay, I will write a short letter saying that we did this. But I will write the truth of what he tried to do to you Lilo. I will write that is why we had to kill him, not that they care.”

  I turned to the boy, who seemed like a child. “Son, I need you to show us where the marriage certificates are and how to write one.”

  “I know where they are. I know where copies of them are that you can use. But I don’t know how to write one myself.”

  He led the way to a filing cabinet and opened it with a key from his chain. He showed us where the blank and executed marriage certificates were. I grabbed one of each and sat down at the dead pastor’s desk.

  “Oh, let’s not do it in here. Let’s go sit in the pews in the sanctuary. I don’t want to do it here.”

  I got up. “Yes, I understand.”

  I turned to the boy. “Leave now, go home.” I placed my hand on his shoulder as a sort of hug, squeezing it gently. “Thank you for what you have done.”

  Lilo gave him a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

  “Listen, don’t say a thing, unless no one has discovered this by the day after tomorrow. Then you will have to call the police. Remember, you know nothing. I will take the weapon with me, leave the note, and I will leave the door unlocked. I wouldn’t have a key without you, so it looks more like how it would have occurred. Okay?”

  “Okay,” he said.

  It was all he said, and he turned to leave. He was a strange boy, a strange, sad boy.

  Turning to Lilo, I said, “Let’s get to the sanctuary and get this started. Lilo, I need your full name. I liked Liselotte Braun, but what about a middle name?”

  “Gisela.”

  “Liselotte Gisela Braun. That’ll work.”

  I ticked off everything, making sure that everything looked identical to the fully completed marriage certificate that was just awaiting an official ink stamp that I also had next to me. It had to be perfect. I did this for half an hour, not noticing that as the minutes ticked by Lilo got closer and closer to me. As I was finishing up, she was lying on the pew, looking at me with an intense, unwavering gaze. She was fanning me with her beautiful, long lashes that showcased her hazel-brown eyes, with flecks of gold.

  Before I had a chance to say anything, she put her lips to mine, and I kissed her. Suddenly I was breathing heavily, and I realized just how much I wanted her. I wanted to taste her and to love her and to feel her. I wanted to be a part of her. I realized that I loved her. I just wasn’t ready to tell her. I don’t know if I knew consciously, or only subconsciously at that moment. I remembered her saying she loved me, and I stopped kissing her.

  “You said that you loved me in there, is that true?” I said.

  “Yes, I love you.”

  “You are in love with me?”

  “I think so.”

  “How do you ‘think’ that you are in love with someone, Lilo?”

  “I have never been in love with someone, so I don’t know, but it feels like what I have always imagined it would feel, what I have dreamed of. You make my heart sing, and you give me hope.”

  I suddenly was cross. “Hope! Hope for what? There is no hope, Lilo. We are going to die. We cannot escape indefinitely.”

  She started to tear up. “Don’t tell me that. We have made it here, and that is something. Being with you is something. I will take that as long as I can. If you don’t have hope, why are you even doing any of this?”

  “Because I am scared of death and pain. I am, I admit it!”

  “Is it not because of me too?”

  I thought for a second and said gently, “Yes, it is because of you too.”

  “Do you love me?”

  “I don’t know, I mean I do love you—I care for you deeply. But I don’t know about being in love. I don’t know what that is about. I cannot think of anything about getting us to Passau, where my friend Sister Claire can help hide us.”

  “Well, I know you love me. I can tell,” she said, “you just don’t know it fully yet.”

  She smiled warmly.

  And that was that; we were “married.” I got up and asked her to stay in the sanctuary as I went to the pastor’s room. I rummaged through his pockets until I found his wallet. I counted around seventy-five Reichsmarks, and then I rummaged through his desk, where I found twenty more. I added this to the money that Lilo and I had received upon being ejected from the ghetto. We should have more than enough to get a train ride. There might be a train still leaving if we hurried, but we didn’t have long, as the evening was turning little by little into night.

  Chapter 19

  We took the back way to the train station. I was fearful that they would be waiting for us there. But they were not. The one guard at the entrance to the station nodded at us as we entered. Maybe the Nazi armband helped.

  There was one train left to Berlin that stopped in Passau. I bought the tickets, spending much of our money for a private cabin. I knew that it was safer. We could hide more easily in a cabin. When you got on the train, they didn’t check your tickets initially. You could walk to your cabin and enter it with no questions until they came by to ask for papers. It was only a couple of hours ride to Passau, and nearly eight to Berlin. I supposed that we could hide out; perhaps they wouldn’t ask for our papers since we were getting off so early during the train’s final destination to Berlin.

  We settled in our cabin. It was small but adequate. It had a covered window with curtains and a small bed with a set of two lamps above the bed. The whole cabin was made of oak, and there was even a small desk and bathroom.

  Lilo jumped on the bed. “I am tired, Hans.”

  “I want you to know I respect how brave you were, how brave you have been.” I paused. “But we have too much to worry about to be tired, Lilo,” I said, lighting one of Lucas Vogel’s cigarettes.

  “My body is tired, and I am tired of worrying. I will not do it any more, I will take each moment as it comes. You should too.”

  “I cannot do that. I don’t work like that. I cannot forget the peril we are presently in. I can rest some when we get to Sister Claire.”

  “I haven’t had the chance to ask, who is Sister Claire, and why are we safe with her? I trust you, I am just curious.”

  While chain-smoking to calm my nerves, I told her about Sister Claire and my adoption and everything that I had been through. I even told her about Mamma, opening up that wound for the first time to another. About why I trusted Sister Claire.

  Tears were rolling down her cheeks. “I am sorry that you have been through so much. You know it is not your fault. None of it is. You do not have blood in your soul. You never have. I was wrong, and I’m sorry.”

  Lilo began to tell me how she had come to be at the ghetto, and then she began to cry about her father’s death.

  “Oh, Lilo, I am so sorry. I cannot comprehend what you have been through and your pain from losing your papa. And I sit here worrying about my anxiety. I am so selfish. Please for
give me.”

  She leaned into me, as a woman does to a man, buried her head in my chest, and sobbed.

  It was late, and we were lying in bed with the lights on, and Lilo asked that I turn out the lights. I did.

  In the darkness, she reached for me and hugged her warm body to mine. She kissed me on the forehead. “I love you Hans, with all that I am.”

  “Why, Lilo? How could you love me? I was a Nazi. I was...”

  “Oh, my dear Hans, you saved my life, more than once. You are brave, and what a man should be, full of integrity. You aren’t a Nazi; you aren’t defined by that any more. I love you for who you are and who you are becoming. Who you are becoming with me.”

  It came suddenly at that moment. I didn’t know from where it sprouted, or why it came right then and not earlier. I realized that I loved her too. She reminded me of my Mamma, so sweet and self-sacrificing. And brave, she was braver than me. I had never told anyone about Mamma. I had never felt so vulnerable or such intense love and affection for a woman. I had been with some, but never had I tingled from my head to my toe with more than lust. The tingles spread from my chest toward all the extremities of my body. I loved her more than myself. I loved her for what I knew of her and for what I had yet to learn. I loved her for her strength and because she was meant for me. We had been put here together; it was fate. I loved her because she made me start to feel forgiven for all that I had done. She made me feel whole. She was also beautiful. I had not had time to reflect on that fact lustfully before, but she was a stunning woman. So feminine and delicate, yet strong and determined. Determined to survive. She made me determined to survive too. Determined to survive for her.

  “I love you too, Lilo. I am in love with you.”

  It was almost too much emotion; it almost made me uncomfortable.

  And then she reached between my legs, massaging me. It had been so long since I had been with a woman, my desire and hunger for her were almost too much for me. I loved her, I had to fight through it.

  “Lilo, I, I can’t sleep with you.”

  I could feel her hurt, even though I couldn’t see it. I felt her recoil from me. Her sweet body melting away from mine.